I had been appalled when I heard about the blot on MiNarc's seemingly perfect record, because it was the first time (aside from letting the pharmacist-friend kiss her when she was much younger) I had ever heard of MiNarc's devious side.
Types of Enablers (Flying Monkeys):
Me. I had no idea what narcissism was. I didn’t think I had any reason to doubt the veracity of any of MiNarc’s stories.
Older me. I was 16-25 years old when I knew Dr. MiNarc, had no experience with (diagnosed!) mental illness or cluster B (that I knew of), and just hoped and wished for the best, as most young adults do. Sure, there were some things about MiNarc that struck me weird (the aggressive secretiveness) or hit me wrong (“playing the game”). But I brushed them off. She was just closeted in order to be safe, which is fair, and smart. She is just ambitious and goal-oriented. Though I was never a blind, flake, I was also inexperienced, closeted to some extent, and raised more authoritarian, taught to respect and never question authority. I was the perfect vulnerable idiot for some cluster B to use.
After I left the Cabin-Manion I found out that this is my mom/parents’ type. After 7(?) months of no/little contact with my parents I resumed my relationship with them. I don’t think anybody learned anything from the separation, but going back gave some sense of normalcy after the upheaval of the Cabin-Mansion. Things returned to the status quo. Even after I disclosed all my discontent, and confusion from my time at the Cabin-Mansion, my parents were still patients of MiNarc’s. They heard some of the ways she treated me. They saw how shellshocked and damaged I was as a result of all that happened. Yet, they still believed MiNarc was the greatest, and continued to patronize her business. Like, all the time. And even when MiNarc extended her devaluation and discard to my parents, it took them YEARS to sever that tie. They undermined my recovery by being blind and dismissive to any problems.
I promise this wasn’t who I was/am. Honestly, looking back, Dr. MiNarc gave me many opportunities to fall back in line and acquiesce to her wishes, come back into her fold under her control. All I had to do was: Denounce my bosses from my college job, talk to my parents, leave her propert, happily and successfully play her receptionist in order to serve her needs… But I held my ground.
I wouldn’t disparage my college employers that I loved. I was best friends with their daughter. They paid me well and treated me like family. I understood their perspective, and they supported me-quite literally.
Secondly, I couldn’t just talk to my parents, because they still refused to understand my perspective or respect my boundaries. They wanted to control me, but not safeguard me. They wanted to dictate what I did, but not financially support any efforts. They wanted me to drop my lifelong goal, and they refused to extend any empathy or brainstorm an alternate route. Something in my relationship with them HAD to change, and I didn’t want all my no-contact efforts to be for nothing. I wanted to advance my relationship with my parents, and going back would be to give that up.
And it’s not that I just refused to leave the Cabin-Mansion. MiNarc never put into words that she didn’t want me around anymore, first of all. She just suddenly gave out a mean vibe. And I had accessed my scholarship to attend classes at the nearby college and was in the middle of a semester. If I just up and left, I’d have to what? Take incompletes and drop courses midstream-no way! What a waste of money and blemish on my transcript. Plus, I’d be throwing away my scholarship. And I was observing at a hospital with a different specialty. I would lose credibility (and a letter of recommendation) if I left early. Besides that, I couldn’t pay for my leased college rental, and get into a lease locally–leaving mid-semester just wouldn’t easily work. Though I could tell MiNarc regretted inviting me into her personal life, I couldn’t easily extricate from the situation. Leaving was logistically difficult, but MiNarc chose to believe I was simply being obstinate.
So there were reasons that I wasn’t doing what she was pushing me to do. It didn’t matter to MiNarc though, in her mind I was now a problem. I went from being a mentee to enemy. Once I caught bad vibes, I mostly went quiet. I was confused and felt guilty, because although I didn’t know what I had done to change everything, I knew it was bad and I had to repent.
But under different circumstances, I’m afraid ‘self-serving enabler’ easily could have been me. Being WITH MiNarc was world’s better than being on THE OUTS with her. When MiNarc was pleased with you, the sun shone on you and warmth and dreams resulted. When she was unhappy-things got real cold, real fast. Emptiness, loneliness, shame, desperation resulted. I would much rather be helped by MiNarc, and groomed to be her business partner than be shunned and foiled by her.
I admired MiNarc, which is probably why I was allowed any access (however limited) to her at all. I always used her title, which she ate up. Inviting her to lecture my classes & to be the professional voice in my power point was my norm. Whenever I could, I wanted to leverage and emulate her expertise. I thought she was brilliant, compassionate, and I wanted to model my career path after hers. She loved being put on a pedestal. And I fully believed all of these other people were the problem: The lazy tech, the pushy, bulimic receptionist, associate after associate that joined her business then became the enemy, her forever best friend… I believed all of these people did MiNarc dirty and deserved what they got.
MiNarc was forever telling me to “play the game” just to make my own life easier. Tell people what they want to hear (then do what I want, anyway). Manipulate, lie, play dirty to get your needs met. I didn’t know how. It wasn’t my instinct. And she was always lecturing me about it, trying to help me meet my ambitions as she had done. She became “Baptist” even though she vigorously opposed religion and being gay was a problem. She signed on the line so she could play college basketball-no personal dilemma, easy. But I just didn’t have it in me, and she would constantly try to cultivate me to “play the game” exasperated when I didn’t/couldn’t. Looking back it scares me that MiNarc saw something in me that made her want to groom me to be like her. She must have seen some traits in me that made her think I was like her (narcissistic).
This was ViKtim. And the BFF. They would downplay, cover, and apologize for MiNarc’s behavior. They were fully recruited to MiNarc’s most inner circle, and aggressively protected her. Loyal and unwavering in their support.
The tech-friend, and The Hairdresser fall into this latter category. Each seemed to get some sadistic pleasure in trashing others, causing drama and chaos, and seeing people struggle. And each were backhanded and scheming. They’d smile to your face, then throw you under the bus.
I asked ViKtim if she had confronted MiNarc about the incident and she said, "You know MiNarc" [of course using her actual name] meaning we all knew she would be unapproachable about it and would be indirect if pressed for details.
Sources:
https://manipulationships.com/flying-monkey-meaning/
https://artflorentyna.com/the-pollyanna-enabler-the-narcissists-most-treasured-minion/
https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/How_Narcissist_Dupes_Lures_YOU_Into_Shared_Fantasy/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201604/6-reasons-its-easy-be-fooled-narcissist
https://www.wikihow.com/Why-Do-Narcissists-Cheat
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/5-signs-the-narcissist-is-cheating-on-you/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-cheating-patterns/
https://risingabovenarcissism.quora.com/Will-a-narcissist-leave-clues-that-they-are-cheating-1
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-youre-dating-a-cheating-narcissist#takeaway
https://medium.com/@kelli.jackson/on-narcissistic-business-partners-6e8db0969ac6
https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587
No comments:
Post a Comment