Benson Boone
9 Awesomes /15 tot = 60.0%
3 greats with 1 being a version
had there been a tie (there wasn’t!) I would’ve used formula:
[9 + 15 (+6 versions of a song) = 21 songs w/versions = 42.86%]
5 good-ish with 1 being a version
80.95% output is good & up
Pipes! Feeling, interesting, crescendo, emote, catchy
My gay-dar pinged when after I ranked this album I saw a picture of Benson Boone. But I don’t look into biographical or other info prior to rating in an effort to try to keep in solely about the music. Probably along with everyone else, I pictured him singing about a girlfriend or wife the first hundred times I took in this album. After the whole ranking was finished, I did a 101st listen to add color to the ranks for the blog. And heard the songs with new ears. I realized the album is all one story.
Track 1
Intro- Luscious voice opens the album. Shifting to the higher note shows what he’s capable of. Here’s the crux of the album:
It’s only you
And me
And I
Track 2
Be Someone- His pronunciation is interesting. Google says he’s from Washington state so it isn’t dialectical character. He can really hit these notes! When he says that someone is me, he’s not kidding.
I think this story is a song about Benson moving to a new city and coming into his own. The main character in the song is literally the new him.
Didn't know how much I would love Santa Barbara…
That’s where YOU were born
Haven’t met someone like YOU before
Wanna be THAT guy
To me that reads like Benson discovered new personality traits in Cali. The YOU that was born, is performer, gay, more hedonistic Benson. I also read that Benson is a Mormon. Which makes some of my later guesses, verrrry interesting, indeed. Spoiler-the LDS church frowns on homosexuality and many an ex-member has committed suicide because of the stigma.
…YOU give ME the smallest look/Behind YOUR eyes…
They’re the same person, or someone omnipotent like God, giving a look behind eyes.
…You need someone/I promise I can be someone
When I first listened I heard the following as trying to say goodnight to a lover:
From night to night, it's takin' you longer
When you say, "Goodbye, " baby,
it's almost like you need someone/I promise I can be someone
Now I hear it as performer-Benson is doing shows night after night. And everyday-Benson doesn’t want to put that person away. It’s getting more and more difficult to take off the stage persona after the show.
Do YOU live alone
I've been carried away tryin' to get inside your brain
The rest of this verse are existential questions:
And what do you know?
Do you live alone?
What are we supposed to do in life? Would embracing showmanship or a more hedonistic lifestyle (according to the LDS church) compromise our relationship with God and religion? And if we aren’t authentic to ourselves (stay home in a family setting, ignore any homosexual impulses) will we be alone anyway?
And do you pray?
This line confirms that this crisis within Boone isn’t just about a girlfriend. He is having a crisis of faith after moving to California, discovering the new him, and performing night after night.
And do you believe there is a life where it's just you and me, and I
[thesis of the album]
With only the way, with only the signs/It's only you and me, and I
I’m still struggling to understand who YOU, ME, I are. Is it a question to God, to church, to different aspects of himself? But I can tell there is a split. Something has broken apart and the characters feel an emptiness because of that split. The next few phrases speak to what is desired by Benson. He wants to feel comfort, belonging, and love. He wants to know who he is, and he wants to feel depth of emotion.
Someone to have [internet says help, but I don’t hear it], someone to hold
Somewhere to go when nights get cold
Somebody to love, somebody to be
Someone to sweep you off your feet
And the answer that ends the song, the thing that will bring everything back together, and provide the desired outcomes?
That someone is me.
Track 3
Slow it Down- The musical backing is just as luxurious as the singing voice, and really adds a lot to the emotive vibes.
Lyin' with me, and you're scared it's movin' quickly
Originally I just had the note “gay sex” but I figured you’d call it a reach. We know from the Bible that “lyin’ with” is a euphemism for sex. I explain a little later in the song why I don’t think Benson is lyin’ with a girlfriend. Could everyday-Benson be lyin’ (and thinking in a non-sexy way) with performer-Benson? And he is super upset that his career means God won’t love him anymore? I think this seems severe, even for Mormons. Sure, they want you to live a morally upright, [weaponized] “family life,” but being in show business isn’t the end of the world. After a cursory Google search here is a list of LDS-affiliated celebrities:
I don’t know how devout or how church-accepted they are, but I’m saying Benson Boone wouldn’t be the first. And I don’t think being a performer would warrant the church to excommunicate someone…
Oh, now you're crying, you're in pieces
'Cause the only love YOU’VE ever known is Jesus
Giving in to homosexuality is turning your back on religion–say the Mormons, I don’t make the rules. This person had sex and is now scared of losing the church/faith/God’s love.
- LGBTQ+ people who grew up in religious homes may experience conflict between their faith and their sexual orientation. This can lead to religious trauma, such as being told they are going to hell, or being forced to attend conversion therapy.
[I wrote that 3rd line over so you can see it with the 4th–the song doesn’t repeat this line.]
'Cause the only love YOU’VE ever known is Jesus
I can feel it
Now that’s an interesting line that might speak to who these two people are and how they relate to each other. They know the internal struggles of our broken main character. The all-knowingness seems like parts of himself. Or an omnipotent force.
Oh, I hate that I'm the reason
That you're in your head right now
While your world is spinning out
Is this the gay-side of Benson? Or it could be what he feels God would say to him.
We're too young to drown deep in dirty waters
This is an interesting line. I immediately thought about Baptism. And calling the water dirty means it’s tainted. Drowning would be to become consumed, overtaken, killed by the water. Which is sorta the opposite effect that a baptism is supposed to have. I think a baptism means that you become a part of the religious group. You are saved, and can afterward count on going to heaven to be with the rest of God’s children. The dirty water might speak to a judgemental institution. Is Benson saying he loves God, but thinks the people interpreting the words are narrow-minded and sullying the true intent? Or is he saying now that he’s a performer who has slept with men he has dirtied the water and is no longer pure in the eyes of his religion? Whichever it is, the water, instead of saving his soul, is now killing it.
The next line is said by another voice/character. I’m still trying to decide if the second person is another part of Benson or God?
Full of hopeless doubt, let me pull you out
This is someone less conflicted. They are able to soothe the fear felt by the hopeless doubter.
Ain't it funny how it changes?/How the future rearranges
Religion indoctrinates. Children raised under any religion internalize the teachings of that group. If your church says queer = bad, that might weigh on you if you have unsanctioned desires. Benson was lyin’ at the start of the song, and this decision to act on homosexuality changed his world-view and made him question everything.
I get nervous, oh, I'm anxious
Maybe loving YOU is dangerous
Who is YOU? The simple answer is a lover that religion/society frowns upon. But why would some girl upset the establishment so much? Because she has a tattoo? It doesn’t make sense. Is YOU the gay side of himself? And embracing a gay lifestyle is opposed to the LDS’ church teachings? Or, third option– is YOU God. And it’s dangerous to love God and shun your natural sexuality?
The only love you’ve ever known is Jesus.
Oh I love her [or I hear, or a lover?]
Track 4
Beautiful Things- This song is catchy, there’s pipes for days. But I think what makes it special is that it subverts expectations of a love song. Instead of being like- don’t leave me, or I can’t live without you- this song looks to a higher power and fears the happiness will be undone.
It was when I was writing the previous sentence that I understood the thesis of the album. Benson is struggling with his sexuality and religion. The palpable fear in this song isn’t necessarily about fearing fate will remove this girl from his life. He is literally saying:
Please stay/I want you, I need you, oh God
He fears that being himself, the dark side of being successful, and having a gay relationship will make God turn his back on him. Benson fears his lifestyle is a sin (Mormon teaching) and everything good will be removed if he continues in this way.
Not convinced? I hear a very formal “girl” in the song. It’s not personal, and not super loving. Then I hear a YOU, differentiated from THE GIRL.
I found a girl my parents love/She'll come and stay the night
And I think I might have it all/And I thank God every day
For the girl He sent my way
God sent a girl that the parents love. Pretty dispassionate.
And I hold YOU every night/And that's a feeling I wanna get used to
But there's no man as terrified
As the man who stands to lose YOU
Oh, I hope I don't lose YOU
So the parents love the girl God sent to Benson. But the passion comes in when Benson holds YOU every night. And he’s very afraid of losing YOU. And does the terror stem from losing YOU (a different person from the girl)? Or does keeping the YOU (different person than the girl) in the song cause Benson to lose YOU as in God?
And I hold YOU [a boyfriend?] every night/And that's a feeling I wanna get used to
But there's no man [religious-Benson] as terrified
As the man [child of God-Benson] who stands to lose you [God?]
Oh, I hope I don't lose you Mm/Please stay/I want you, I need you, oh God
It reads like a prayer. Benson is afraid embracing his true desires. And lyin’ with another guy instead of the girl his parents like will put him on the outs with God. He is terrified of losing not just this YOU, but losing everything good. Who has the power (in the minds of the Mormons, disclaimer) to orchestrate that? Benson’s homosexual urges will alienate God, say his religious teachings, thus he’s pleading with God to stay in his life.
Track 5
Cry- I love that they have the slow, sad version then are like nah before going with an angry version. The scream-singing is masterful, and the production keeps the tension up. It’s so relatable not to wish someone well. This bitch did Benson dirty, and he’s rightfully mad about it. There will be no more gaslighting.
I could read this song in two different ways:
1- Gay-Benson is sick and tired of being the bad side of the person. He’s not a villain, and being gay isn’t wrong. The front-facing-Benson needs to stop hating gay-Benson. It’s not warranted.
I tried to hide it through the silence while I played along
[gay-Benson hid]
I'm welling up behind my eyelids when I'm holding on
[behind MY eyelids speaks to a personal experience]
To the rage, so badly, I hate it
[gay-Benson hates that visible-Benson hates him]
You think you know me, but you hardly even know yourself
I'd bite my tongue and let you think I only wish you well
I don't, I know you know it, ooh
2- Benson is calling out the church at large for thinking homosexuality is a sin. He is angry that they instilled in him fear of losing it all if he acts upon his innate sexuality. He despises the institution for making him internally homophobic, which caused him to question his faith and split into the straight-Benson that society sees and gay-Benson that only comes out at night.
I'm tired of burnt-out lies, ooh
And I'm tired of letting someone get the best of me, so go ahead and-/Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's life/Cry, cry
Go bug somebody else, so I can sleep at night
The next lines are giving “hate the sin, not the sinner” energy of [homophobic bigots] just earnestly trying to save his soul:
And maybe you're the honest type
And it's been me the whole damn time
I should really try to calm my mind and see things from your side
Track 6
Forever and a Day- This song absolutely soars! It speaks to an otherworldly incident.
Who is Benson talking to in the song? I’ve gathered some clues for us to decipher:
Know every word you're gonna say before you even think it
This person is omnipotent or the two personas in the same body. They know what Benson will say before he even thinks it. Two people could have a strong connection, but a separate entity wouldn’t know Benson’s words before his mind formulated them.
I bet we already knew our names before we met each other
I bet we've sailed the Milky Way, walked on the Sun together
Now we’re going bigger. We’ve spanned time and distance. These lines sound more like a religious experience.
As you’ve seen, I’ve been trying to figure out the multiple characters in each song. I think we can agree more than one perspective is at play here. I discounted a girlfriend, because why all the strife? What about a girl would cause Benson to feel conflicted and afraid? Why would any girlfriend cause him to lose his faith and fear everything good in his life will disappear? No. It’s a part of himself that is problematic to his religion, or he is directly speaking to God/Jesus (I’m not sure which the Mormons do).
THIS song makes me think it’s both. Sometimes the other persona, sometimes God. And there it is:
It’s only you
And me
And I
One of those is public-Benson, one of them is hidden-Benson, and one is God. That’s the split we’ve been addressing in this album so far. This song is about you and me and I coming back together after the conflict that forced them apart (gay crisis in faith).
No words convey the way it felt for me to finally hold you/In my arms
[2 parts of himself re-join]
Your laugh is such a perfect sound/These butterflies lived a million lives to say
[a more transcendent line, distinguishing God]
I swear I've known you longer than/Forever and a day
[All 3 entities are intimately familiar]
How could I forget those emerald eyes?/They took me by surprise,
but suddenly, I missed your face/I knew that smile from miles away
I knew that I have loved you/Forever and a day
I don't believe in destiny/But I might have to say
Your melodies, they're changing me
This line references “Slow it Down” where Benson is freaking out and questioning his faith: Ain't it funny how it changes?/How the future rearranges
I'm yours forever and a day
Track 7
In the Stars- I’m sorry to say I thought this song was a story of a couple for the first hundred listens. I missed the:
bury my faith with you’
Dead and gone
I don’t wanna say goodbye because this one is forever
In the stars/6 feets never felt so far
It goes to show how theatrical production and powerful notes can obscure the meaning of a song. I didn’t realize someone DIED.
Now who was it that died?
I didn’t want to discount that dead-YOU could be part of Benson himself. Maybe the spiritual side of him could have died when the gay conflict arose. But we have the line:
I used to meet you down on Woods Creek Road
So it’s someone outside of Benson. And not somebody that lives with him, because they’re meeting, not just leaving the house. So if it’s a parent, he’s already moved out of the house during this story. If it’s a lover, they’re not far enough in the relationship to live together.
Sunday mornings were your favorite
You did your hair up like you were famous
Even though it's only church where we were goin'
This person likes church. And I’m leaning female, but I guess a dude could do up his hair for church also.
Diggin' through your old birthday letters
A crumpled 20 still in the box
I don't think that I could ever find a way to spend it
Even if it's the last 20 that I've got, oh
Benson has this important item from this person. The memory of the person’s gift is more valuable than the monetary value.
So I don’t know what important person died. But I do know that it caused Benson to feel a rift with God for taking them away.
It's like I buried my faith with you
I'm screamin' at a God I don't know if I believe in
'Cause I don't know what else I can do
Oh, it hurts so hard
For a million different reasons
You took the best of my heart
And left the rest in pieces
Track 8
Drunk in my Mind- This was one of the first songs on the album I wrote about. And even before I knew the thesis, my gay-dar was pinging: I swear this is about a gay relationship. I like how the discordant music reflects the upside-down state of his mind. The drawn out note Benson sings at the end is *chef’s kiss*
So ready to give up my soul
[tempted to forgo religion for sexual pleasure]
How could I possibly know/which way the river would flow?
[he didn’t know his sexuality]
After I tasted your wine
[sexual innuendo?]
You had me drunk in my mind
But I should've told you I'm gettin' sober
[abstaining bc of the previously referenced fears of God being against him]
Even if I said that you felt so good at the time
Here’s where I don’t understand what’s happening. The love is over. But who ends it? Why? Is the love of religion or the gay over? After some re-reads I think this song is complicated because there are FOUR characters/perspectives.
The first part talks about a tryst (I think with another man). This experience was passionate but also caused Benson fear:
After I tasted your wine
You had me drunk in my mind
But I should've told you I'm gettin' sober
Even if I said that you felt so good at the time
Benson liked the gay-sex, but resolved to get sober from that mistake (Mormon perspective, we’ll talk about next) even though it felt good and right for him.
The next verse is to God:
Oh, tell me where the love went
Thought that we were somethin'
Coulda, woulda, should been
Everything that we seemed to be
Was it imaginary?
Bet it's drivin' you crazy
That you thought you could save me
But you wasted your time
In Benson’s perception (and LDS teachings) once there was homosexuality God denounced him. Benson feels that God’s love has disappeared. At this point, he wants God back in his life and is willing to repress his natural sexual urges. But still, he questions his entire relationship with God and religion along with his sexuality.
Now I think WE is the two sides of Benson. And it speaks to how the crises of faith split the personas apart.
Like we never danced in the dark, never kissed in the park
When I gave you my heart, you just ripped it wide open
You must be jokin', from takin' it slowly
To crashin' full speed into hopelessly broken
Stay with me here. I’m distinguishing two sides of the same person. Gay-Benson reminisces about times when gay-Benson and acceptable-Benson were one person. They (in one body, one unified person) danced in the dark, kissed in the park. They went from diving headfirst into true, authentic [gay] love, to crashing and hopelessly breaking apart. In essence, acceptable-Benson feared the gay side of himself would ruin everything and split that part of him off and hid that side away. Gay-Benson, being open about who he is, feels heartbroken that acceptable-Benson would react so negatively.
To sum up, Benson was afraid of estranging God and cut off the homosexual part of himself in an effort to keep pious for religion. This rips him apart internally. Gay-Benson is concealed. The fall out also ends this gay relationship.
Track 9
My Greatest Fear- Here is the continuation of the story that mentions being further from God. It’s a problem between reckoning sexuality and Biblical studies. He’s afraid if he acts on gay impulses he could lose God and die alone.
Benson is struggling with this conflict and can’t sleep.
My life’s gone to waste/Just filling up empty space
Benson has no meaning. He feels alone.
And if there's a God, I don't know where He's been
We used to talk but haven't spoken since early May
Guess he ain't in LA
Remember in “Be Someone” Benson found another part of himself. And that part is problematic with his religion.
Didn't know how much I would love Santa Barbara…
That’s where YOU were born
Haven’t met someone like YOU before
Wanna be THAT guy
Back to this song. Benson feels he has to repress the identity he discovered in California, or else lose God and die alone. The YOU in the next verse is God.
Oh, I'm terrified of the day that I die
I'll lie there all alone, no flowers on my bones
All the things that I've been afraid to lose
My greatest fear of all is losing you
Then the character changes. Benson goes from talking to God to talking to the side of himself he discovered in Santa Barbara. YOU is the gay side of Benson- Gay-Benson.
But you're here now
And that makes it better somehow
Benson feels God has turned his back on him, but also he’s living his truth which does feel better than repressing it. Acceptable-Benson sings to gay-Benson in the next verse:
Wanna lose my voice singing all your songs
[gay-Benson can be more open in lyrics]
I get paranoid about the way that you've been holding on
Like you're half-way gone
Gay-Benson won’t quiet and hide away, and that makes acceptable-Benson scared. Acceptable-Benson has successfully repressed and killed gay-Benson only halfway. Gay-Benson is still there in the shadows, holding on.
I'm scared to take another picture of you
'Cause I'm scared to have another thing that I can lose, oh, dear
Acceptable-Benson is afraid of, but also likes Gay-Benson. The gay part is more the music writer and performer. But social media and publicity pictures that convey a more open, flamboyant Benson, also make acceptable-Benson feel torn. He already lost God, he doesn’t also want to entirely lose Gay-Benson.
Who am I without you here?
Acceptable-Benson lost God, and despite grave fears of dying alone, without religion, without the knowledge he will go to heaven, he doesn’t know who he is without Gay-Benson. He sort of wants to repress Gay-Benson to be saved, but he’s incomplete and torn apart without that piece. Who am I without you here? Is a key lyric in the entire thesis of the album, it’s the thesis statement, or the single phrase that sums up the entire work.
On the bridge the drums sound like a dirge. His singing becomes more urgent here, too.
Don't know how the broken pieces fit together if you leave it
So, don't go, don't go
I would take your hand if I could reach it
Pull you back but you're already gone
You're gone, gone, gone
Acceptable-Benson has lost God. And now he describes losing Gay-Benson to repression. He changed his mind and wanted to be whole, but it was already too late.
Track 10
There she Goes- I think there’s quite a few songs on the album that cursory listeners might attribute to a girlfriend. But if you listen, he’s talking about themes of religion. For example, He doesn’t say “face” I’m sure he says “faith” in the fourth and sixth verses (timestamps 2:11 and 3:12).
…And every time I go away, I hate that it's a day
That I never see your face faith [2.11-2.12]
I'm lost in outer space…
And again in the final verse:
…And every time I go away, I hate that it's a day
That I never see your face faith [3:12-3:13]
I'm lost in outer space…
It’s important that “My Greatest Fear” is immediately prior to this song. This is an extension of that story. Because Benson feared God would abandon him if he is queer, and he will die alone in misery, he suppressed that part of himself. In the last lyric acceptable-Benson describes losing Gay-Benson and feeling fragmented and regretful.
Lovely bones, won't you take me home?
The persona says won’t YOU take ME home when he addresses lovely bones. Translation: Gay-Benson asking acceptable-Benson to return him to the physical embodiment of Benson (bones) which is Gay-Benson’s rightful home. So they can be one again.
Acceptable-Benson answers that he feels lonely, incomplete When Benson is split into two parts. He is willing to be haunted by his true sexuality (repressed, Gay-Benson) in order to rectify the pieces.
'Cause I'm lonely
And hold me close, you're my only ghost
Come on, haunt me
'Cause I'm lonely
Gay-Benson says he’s been away/hidden for so long he doesn’t even recognize home/the body anymore. Gay-Benson asks if his perception is off, or has whole-Benson changed.
And I've been gone too many days/…And I don't recognize this place
Is it me or have I changed?
“Change” is another callback to the “Slow it Down” gay/faith crisis moment.
They ignore me
And that makes me lonely
And when I hear my name
I wish that it was you who's callin' out, mm-mm
The music gets very upbeat here, and I think that signifies a perspective change. We hear from YOU, ME, and I in the next verse:
Acceptable-Benson-
There she [Gay-Benson] goes
Like I've never been alone/Like I've had it all along
Gay-Benson-
And every time I go away, I hate that it's a day
That I never see your face
God-
I'm lost in outer space
And when I'm lookin' down below
Oh, there she [Gay-Benson] goes
Acceptable-Benson-
I've been floatin' around, every city in town
In cars and bars, I can't figure out
Why these crowded rooms feel empty without you [God and Gay-Benson?]
Every name, every face
Oh, they all start to fade away
Into the back of my [acceptable-Benson] mind as I lie awake
Thinkin' 'bout runnin' back to you [Gay-Benson]
So I pack my bags, I'm [Gay-Benson] takin' off, I'm comin' home
[to the bones/body to be reunited as one]
Acceptable-Benson sings about how Gay-Benson made him question everything, starting a crisis. But Gay-Benson has returned, and won’t be repressed anymore. The person is whole once more.
Oh, there she goes
Out of the blue, she comes around
She turned my whole life upside down
[“Drunk in my Mind” call back]
Out of the blue, out of the clouds
And I can't stop her now
Oh, there she goes
Track 11
Hello Love- Good running pace and beat to the music. Lovely imagery of the cover art.
I thought this song was out of order to the thesis story. Somewhere prior to the two pieces of Benson coming back together. Because I’m hearing about a split that makes for very unhappy times. But upon re-read I think this is a message to God. Love = God.
Hello Love, I missed your face
[Benson to God, called “Love” here]
But I fear you feel a different way
When you look at me with those empty eyes
I could pass away, I could bleed and die
Benson fears that God hates him for being gay and that makes him want to die.
And all this time, I never knew/If you were leaving me, or I was leaving you
Did God turn his back on Benson for acting on homosexual urges? Or did Benson turn away from religion because the LDS teachings told him he was bad and wrong and couldn’t be saved as a gay?
Now I'm caught between the black and blue
This is the lyric that unlocked for me who this song is talking to. Benson says between the black (sinister/hell/loneliness/emptiness) and blue (sky/heaven/God). Whole-Benson is talking to God/church in the song.
And you've tied me up oh, I'm forced to choose
Benson speaks to why he has this crisis of faith: He has been taught by the church that he has to choose between God/religious piety and his queerness/Gay-Benson.
Symptoms of the crisis:
Oh, I'm lost/I don't know where I've gone
Won't you hold me while this storm is in my head?
I'm alone and I can barely catch my breath
Benson is conflicted, and doesn’t know if he gave up on God or vice-versa.
Hello love, don't you fade away
[Love = God]
Just a little less "go, " and a little more "stay"
I could try to blame you, but my mind ain't safe
Like two fireworks tied to a rollerblade
Switching keys really ratchets it up. Benson is pleading to God/Love to come back into his life and soothe him even though he’s confused by his sexuality and how that relates to his faith.
Won't you hold me while this storm is in my head?
Oh, I'm alone and I can barely catch my breath
Don't you go away, don't let it die in vain
I'd give anything to feel it all again
Track 12
Ghost Town- This could be about breaking up with a girlfriend. But it feels heavier than that. I think “you” could be a gay lover that is having to deal with Benson’s indecisiveness and internal homophobia. This person gets left because Benson was having a crisis of faith. Hating Gay-Benson felt like he also hated his gay lover.
You fill me up 'til you're empty
I took too much and you let me
The gay lover gave everything to the relationship, while Benson vacillated about whether he could act on his queerness without alienating God and dying alone. The relationship was unequal because of Benson’s crisis of faith.
Maybe you'd be happier with someone else
Maybe loving me's the reason you can't love yourself
Before I turn your heart into a ghost town
Show me everything we built so I can tear it all down
Benson tells the boyfriend to find someone else, because loving him is damaging. In hating queerness Acceptable-Benson hates a part of the boyfriend/relationship. Cutting out queerness rebuffs not only Gay-Benson, but queerness as a whole. The relationship was doomed by homophobia, despite real love between Benson and the guy.
It hurts both men, but the relationship has been irreparably damaged by the religious vs. queer struggle. Everything is dark and empty and bleak.
The streets are empty
Where love once was but it's faded away
These broken memories
I'm left here alone and afraid to say
Maybe you'd be happier with someone else
[Homophobic] Religious teachings caused Benson to sacrifice a real, loving relationship because it was with another man.
Track 13
Love of Mine- Softer and slower than the others. This song takes place after a big decision point (discussed in the prior song). Mutual hurt is being discussed.
Oh, my love, where have you been?
I'm lost at sea, goin' against the wind
Without you drifting about the blue
Is “my love” the same as “Love” = God from the other song? Let’s look for more clues.
Out of the blue, she comes around/She turned my whole life upside down
Out of the blue, out of the clouds/And I can't stop her now
“There she Goes” from earlier has Gay-Benson coming into acceptable-Benson’s life unexpectedly. That song also has Gay-Benson coming back into acceptable-Benson’s life after being split out and suppressed.
Acceptable-Benson describes the brokenness he felt when Gay-Benson was sent underground.
I'm just bones covered in skin
No heartbeat, only this pain I'm in
I hurt you, but darling, you hurt me too
The song tells about a run-down Benson assessing his decisions. He fears that he will never find true, authentic love because of his religious concerns. So “True Love” here is literally Benson mourning over the fact he won’t find true love if he represses his gay and lives according to LDS doctrine.
Track 14
Friend- Feeling low and needing support. He’s feeling heavy and alone. A take on The Wonder Years theme song? It’s the after-effects of leaving religion and losing that ubiquitous support.
And now I see my face in a broken windowpane
I could use someone to help me pick up the pieces that remain
Broken and in pieces spells out what we already figured out: Appropriate-Benson, Gay-Benson, and God have cracked apart like the windowpane. And now Benson is asking for someone to help him put those pieces back together so he can be whole again.
I'm trying to remember what it's like
To be young and alive
I'm so close to the edge
And I need a friend, I need a friend
Benson remembers the pre-crisis times when he was whole and happy. But now, he's on the edge (suicide reference?).
You can hear the tone of voice change a bit here. This part is asked to God:
Oh, where are you now? I've been callin' to reach out
'Cause I'm only a human, going through it, my eyes rain like clouds
He contrasts his own humanness to God's magnificent perfection.
Would you take my call when my head's against the wall?
And would you sit me down and hear me out?
Would you call me beautiful?
Benson wants to know if he is still considered one of God’s children even though he's queer. He asks God if he understands, and if God sees ugliness in the homosexuality like the Mormon church preaches.
Track 15
Pretty Slowly- Wow wow wowie-that voice! The emotion and urgency. If you remember the earlier song “Slow it Down” talked about Benson having a gay sexual experience and it provoked a crisis between his faith and sexuality. Instead of happiness with a new relationship that felt good to him, Benson felt guilt and fear. He was in his head, mind spinnin’ and wondering if he had tainted the love between him and God. Would God turn his back on Benson, as the LDS church declares? This song has an opposite title. Slow it down denotes overwhelm and confusion. Pretty Slowly signifies a more calm demeanor. Will the song also show that Benson has worked through his confusion, fear, and religious trauma? Is this a song about acceptance?
Oh, I remember how you were, you were every shade of perfect
And then the colours blurred, and you'll never love me like you did
Sure enough this song references the time before the gay sex when Benson was beautiful in God’s (and the Mormon church’s) eyes. Then in “Slow it Down” Benson is lyin’ with a guy causing his colors to blur and his world to spin out as the dilemma begins.
And I see your ghost from time to time when I'm drivin' through the Rockies
Further along in this story of conflict that the album spells out, “Forever and a Day” has a line about driving through hills toward a reconciliation:
I started driving through the hills, told me to come and get you
The next lines in this song go to the heart of the issue and talk about how Benson’s pieces. He discovered new (less religiously acceptable) traits after he moved to Cali, a new ME. And after the gay sex there are two descrete versions of himself, the one that prioritizes church teachings and fears losing God (and everything good) and the other that wants authenticity and is a gay buddy. To protect himself from dying alone, Benson severed Gay-Benson off from the whole.
Oh, when you asked about the old me
Oh, is he gone? Oh, is he gone? Oh, I don't know
I think I left him somewhere I no longer go
And I watch you run away now
From all the lovely things we hate now
Where did we go? Where did we go? Oh, I don't know
But I know it feels like somewhere far away from home
And it's fallin' into pieces
Now the song gets more fervid as Benson talks about inevitability. Once the reflection was smashed and fissure occurred, it wasn’t all that easy to reintegrate the pieces, and there were unintended consequences. In the struggle between sexuality and church, he lost part of himself, and also hurt his gay lover.
No, there's not a way that we can stop this now
One thousand miles an hour drivin' off the edge
Oh, as I lay here by myself and it's 4 a.m., I wonder
Did I put you through hell? Oh no, I need to know if you're okay
I wanna know, I need to know if you're okay
Benson has regrets and accepts that the lover had to leave him in order to preserve mental health.
Mm, and I hope that you're so damn sure that leaving me was right
Best thing you ever did, it was leaving me behind
Oh, whoo, I couldn't blame you if I tried
I guess even the best things fall apart
Acceptable-Benson is telling the gay lover that he understands why he left. Shearing off Gay-Benson out of fear and hate, also clipped the gay relationship. There is a fracture due to internalized homophobia and religious trauma
And I watch you run away now
From all the lovely things we hate now
Where did we go? Where did we go? Oh, I don't know
But I know it feels like somewhere far away from home
And it's fallin' into pieces
He talks about feeling lost and confused. He runs away from the feelings and it’s hurtful to Gay-Benson and any male lover.
And, darlin', now there's nothing left
Somewhere deep in you
Somewhere deep in me
Oh, there's still two lovers
And there is acceptable-Benson, gay-Benson, gay lover all mixfused in this hurtful scenario
So who the hell are we?/When I look at you/And when you look at me
Oh, there's still two lovers/So who the hell are we?
When I look at you/And when you look at me/Oh, there's still two lovers
So who the hell are we?
When I look at you
And when you look at me/Oh, there's still two lovers/So who the hell are we?
Who the hell are we?
Oh, who the hell are we?
This circular line of questioning demonstrates Benson’s confusion (and my confusion about the characters and perspectives in this song, and on the entire album). There is a lot of looking at you and me, there’s still two lovers. There’s Acceptable-Benson, Gay-Benson, the gay lover, and God. He’s trying to rectify the loss and come back together as one.
Track 16
What do you Want- This song brings the thesis of religious trauma breaking the whole-person Benson into pieces, and how that impacted his gay lover.
The next line is painful. Acceptable-Benson felt a breeze and it caused dread. Ripping away skin is a sacrifice made by Gay-Benson.
So I ripped away my skin to warm your bones
Is this next verse from Benson to God?
And you said you don't like secrets
So I told you more than you ever had to know
I thought we had a deal
But now I'm learning that I never had control
Benson was open about his sexuality, because he trusted his faith, but afterward felt only guilt. The resultant rift tore him apart.
Gay-Benson laments that Benson moved to California precisely to be himself and perform his honest songs. But once Gay-Benson was discovered, Acceptable-Benson was immediately in a quandary. Gay-Benson tells Acceptable-Benson that he is carrying too much pain for the both of them. He’s the showman, and he’s in a precarious position because of Acceptable-Benson’s fear.
What are we doing here?
You got me all dressed up just to stop the show
So, please/What do you want from me?
I've been dancing on a wire
Now I'm dying on my feet
Oh, please/What more can I be?
I can't hold you up much longer
Now I'm breakin' at the knees
Tell me/What do you want?/What do you want from me?
Gay-Benson disappeared after acceptable-Benson freaked out.
I saw your heavy eyes
So I tucked you in and turned down all the lights
Gay-Benson is annoyed just like in the song “Cry” because he never lost faith. Gay-Benson knew everything would turn out alright. He still had a relationship with God, and he was still loyal to acceptable-Benson waiting in the wings for a time he could return to the forefront again.
But I was faithful, I was true
And I can't say the same for you
Acceptable-Benson on the other hand was deeply confused and gave up on God and hid away Gay-Benson in his fear. And that makes Gay-Benson, who can’t win, wanna scream.
Oh, it makes me want to
Scream
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me
I can’t hold you up much longer
The song gets brighter at this point. There is a huge change in the tone. It sounds as if the crisis is over. Benson is finally free and whole. The lyrics describe a coming alive, a coming out?
I get this shiver like there's somethin' coming over me
I'm hearin' music movin' through me like a symphony
Not even hell could hold me down
Your words mean nothin' now, I'm finally free
I'm finally free
Social and Religious constraints are thrown off. Benson is not afraid his gayness will taint him in God’s view. He says the words of the church mean nothing. Benson realized church teachings are not accurate and God accepts him as he is (gay).
I'll talk a walk and let the world burn right in front of me
I don't give a damn what's on the news or on the big TV
I only answer to myself, don't need nobody else
YOU and ME and I, A.K.A. acceptable-Benson, Gay-Benson, and God are united and whole again.
I’m finally free
I only answer to myself
The album ends on the positive note that Benson is confident and free in who he is.
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