This is the stuff I worry about for my kid.. this brought back a lot of unwanted memories and definitely reasons I want to be "chosen" in adulthood.
I was also the kid that didn’t get these kinds of things. It’s heartbreaking and needs to change.
My elementary school did candy grams for Christmas, Valentine's day, and the end of the school year. So three times a year I'd sit at my desk holding back tears because I never got one and usually everyone else had at least a few.
But I remember when I was in school and roses were handed out to people and I got nothing. I acted like I put mine in my locker already when I really just got done crying in the bathroom. I wouldn't want any other kid to feel that.
I was heartbroken bc I realized no matter how well I got along with everyone and was liked just fine they all had way more bonding time with sports and trips together than their time spent with me, It was so depressing and I didn't expect it. And it really stuck with me and I'm 40 now. And that was for me, someone who was going through high school blissfully unaware of the social dynamic, free from bullying and happy with high school.
For us it was middle and high school only, and yeah… I literally never got a single one. Even when I was dating somebody I didn’t get one because I always dated the “that kind of thing is stupid” type of asshole. Our school did 3-4 different types of these fundraisers a year and I absolutely dreaded them. I would always buy a few for other people and then be one of the only kids sitting there with a completely empty desk.
One year, there was another girl in my class with the same name as me (who was more popular than me). Someone sent one, they walked in and announced "for [my name]!", we both stood up. There was no last name on it. After a moment of confusion, we determined that it was for me, but weren't sure. Anyway, I took it. Read the note on the tag, I'm 99% sure it wasn't meant for me after all :( it was also the only one I got.
…did it without thinking
Deliberate or not, being left out sends a message. “When people you like, or admire, or want to feel close to exclude you from conversations, activities, and invites, they’re signaling — intentionally or unintentionally — that you’re not important to them,” says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California (4)
I know exactly how much exclusion hurts and how much being publicly exposed can make it worse. The only truth, the truth every kid knows – even if we try to hide it – is that nobody remembered to send them one. Yeah it hurts…. (1)
One year, I got one - and only one. None of my actual friends had sent it. No one knew who did. The teacher told me to keep it to myself. I realized years later that the teacher sent it to me so I wouldn't feel left out. She was a good person. Thank you, Ms. Hargrave. You were a cool person. I hope life has been good to you
I 100% agree with this. I think I was even awkward enough to send myself one at least once (thankfully I could afford it). It isn't like the other kids could see the cards and knew it came from me. Carnations for Valentine's Day were the big thing at our school. Such a great way to let the world know that no one likes me. Ever. Thank you for thinking of the kids who won't get a candy-gram.
I remember waiting anxiously while every popular girl got one, hoping mine was the last to be handed out and every Valentine's Day I never got one. So one year I sent one to myself. YEP...I did :) I addressed it from my "Secret Admirer." I felt pretty awesome that day. Long story short, elementary school was not my favorite and my parents and I actually made the decision for me to go to a whole different middle school so I could start fresh. Best decision ever. Thank you parents.
when the senior candygram thing happened the last week of school i immediately got bitter like “f this place” and that was the last feeling i left with.
Never got a candy gram in school. My last workplace did them for a fundraiser and in 10 years I never got one there either lol
Sources:
(1) https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/help-a-kid-who-is-being-ostracized-feeling-left-out/
(2) https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/how-to-talk-with-parents-about-cliques-and-exclusion/
(3) https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/social-exclusion.html
(4) https://psychcentral.com/health/why-feeling-left-stings-and-healthy-ways-to-cope#why-it-bothers-you
(6) https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
(7) https://gsdrc.org/topic-guides/social-exclusion/causes/exclusion-based-on-social-status-or-identity/
(8) https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/bullying-kids-teens
(9) https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1368214/full
(10) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22889163/
(11) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740924000148
(12) https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1184924.pdf
(13) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6085085/
(14) (https://conversationstoremember.org/loneliness-and-isolation/#:~:text=Loneliness%2C%20on%20the%20other%20hand,of%20a%20hostile%20social%20environment.)
(15) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022519321003581
(16) https://elifesciences.org/articles/78246
(17) https://educationdata.org/public-education-spending-statistics
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