After the initial pain of rejection, Williams says, most people move into an “appraisal stage,” in which they take stock and formulate their next steps. “We think all forms of ostracism are immediately painful,” he says. “What differs is how long it takes to recover, and how one deals with the recovery.” (6)
You may not be able to stop yourself from feeling sour about being left out. When those moments of social exclusion find you, there are ways to avoid self-pity:
Shift your narrative.
“Instead of focusing on how you feel rejected or not chosen, use the opportunity to reexamine what you value in a relationship or friendship and if your current friends reflect what is important to you,” Schiff recommends.
“Learn to accept and love yourself, and start by including yourself in your awareness,” she counsels. “Make friends with yourself, and branch out from there to others who will like and accept you.”
Encourage Self-Reflection:
This is not about encouraging our kids to shoulder the blame for their social exclusion. Instead it’s suggesting we teach them how to analyse objectively the ways in which they may be perceived when they relate to others. This is a great life skill for our children to develop, as it promotes personal accountability and empathy.
Here are some ways we can encourage our kids to reflect on their own contribution to social situations and help them to work out if they are behaving in a way that may be affecting their likability. Different elements here may have more or less relevance depending on the age of the child concerned:
Physical appearance – chat about how body language can convey silent messages, and how personal hygiene, and a neat or scruffy appearance can contribute to their overall image. Take deliberate steps to boost their overall body image.
Words – what you say, and how you say it can have a significant impact on how you come across. Children often don’t realize this until it is pointed out to them.
Traits that repel others – talk with your child about what puts them off other kids – for example: bragging, misplaced humor, ignoring stop signals, not being a good sport.
Work with your child to help them see if they can identify any of these factors within themselves.
If they are finding the concept hard, it can help to ask if there are any kids they prefer not to play with sometimes, and why, before turning the spotlight around.
Then, help them identify ways in which they could do things differently (3).
Putting things into perspective also helps, Leary says.
True, rejection can sometimes be a clue that you behaved badly and should change your ways.
Because rejected people may adopt behaviors, such as aggression, that serve to further isolate them, psychologists can also help people to act in ways that are more likely to bring them social success. (6)
Interventions target improving the social skills of victims or children at risk for rejection and exclusion, with the goal of helping them to improve their social competence (Bierman, 2004; Rubin et al., 2006).
This approach assumes that children who experience interpersonal rejection are behaving in ways that invite their own rejection and that improving their social skills will reduce the victimization (Hodges et al., 1999).
Although some studies of the effectiveness of social skills training have noted positive outcomes, a systematic review documented mixed results or no positive outcomes for almost half of the studies examining social skills training (Moote et al., 1999). (13)
Maintain close ties to your support system outside of the group that ignored/ostracized you (5).
Researchers say, the rejected should seek out healthy, positive connections with friends and family.
That recommendation squares with the neural evidence that shows positive social interactions release opioids for a natural mood boost, Eisenberger says.
Other activities that produce opioids naturally, such as exercise, might also help ease the sore feelings that come with rejection (6).
Sources:
(1) https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/help-a-kid-who-is-being-ostracized-feeling-left-out/
(2) https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/how-to-talk-with-parents-about-cliques-and-exclusion/
(3) https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/social-exclusion.html
(4) https://psychcentral.com/health/why-feeling-left-stings-and-healthy-ways-to-cope#why-it-bothers-you
(6) https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
(7) https://gsdrc.org/topic-guides/social-exclusion/causes/exclusion-based-on-social-status-or-identity/
(8) https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/bullying-kids-teens
(9) https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1368214/full
(10) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22889163/
(11) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740924000148
(12) https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1184924.pdf
(13) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6085085/
(14) (https://conversationstoremember.org/loneliness-and-isolation/#:~:text=Loneliness%2C%20on%20the%20other%20hand,of%20a%20hostile%20social%20environment.)
(15) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022519321003581
(16) https://elifesciences.org/articles/78246
(17) https://educationdata.org/public-education-spending-statistics
(19) https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=898
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