12B
Parent
My son had tears in his eyes, the pain of rejection apparent in every little furrow on his brow, in every quiver of his bottom lip. I narrowed my eyes, whipped out my ‘Cape-of-Protection’, assumed my superhero stance and was ready to step in.
My heart was breaking for him – we all know the hurt of social exclusion. That sinking sensation of being left out. I desperately wanted to shield him from it. Then I stopped. And I reminded myself that I won’t be at his side every moment.
These things don’t often “resolve themselves” as much as we wish they would. Don’t be surprised if you experience some resistance from your child either. It’s uncomfortable to try new things when the fear of rejection is high (1).
Remind them that family matters most. Take time to do more fun things with them and invite one of the decent children to join in. Friendships will organically form with the right kids
But you better believe every single kid in her class is getting a little valentine card and some erasers because nobody is getting left out.
If your tween or teen is upset they didn’t receive one, talk to them about it openly. Maybe it is rooted in a difficulty with a friend or a crush not following through.
This year I decided to do something about this heart-breaking experience. This year I bought 7 candy canes. As a team we picked 7 kids who are amazing, kind, compassionate, great people who totally deserve a candy cane. Not because they actually care about the cane shaped treat, but because they deserve to be recognized. In the “From:” area we pulled the classic ??? but made sure on the tag we wrote something positive that would bring a smile to their faces. We intentionally didn’t take credit for this. We wanted the kids to feel special and simply know that they are cared for and they are loved.
I adore this for you and everyone who makes sure a child isn't left out or made to feel less than. Kids can be very cruel. Let's not make that easier.
We constantly urge schools to eliminate situations that can expose children, especially in public. They have enough with what students themselves can come up with. We shouldn’t provide more opportunities. Parents can help by becoming upstanders themselves. Next time your school holds a fundraiser of this kind, make sure you help them see that the idea is cute but the execution has the potential to harm and it can be avoided.
Children who have a healthy self-esteem are better prepared to process the hurt and move on.
Building their inner strength is one of the best ways to help your child be ready for all those situations in life.
We can help our children to become empowered, simply by choosing the words we use around them more carefully.
Avoiding negative labels and providing positive feedback to specific actions and situations rather than generic comments.
By sending positive messages via our daily interactions we not only strengthen our own bond with them, but also help them to build a strong inner core of self-worth and confidence.
With this in place, when faced with the inevitable challenges that life throws in their path, our children can draw on their inner power pack. (3).
Practice using active emotional encouragement as a way of showing your child that while hurt can be painful, it can also be managed and worked through (3)
Understand where your child gets off track and what they need to do to change. Maybe they pick the wrong friends, maybe they are too needy. All this is hard to hear but it’s important to understand the current social landscape (1).
This isn’t to say that your child needs to succumb to peer pressure or changing their personality to be accepted. Lots of “out of the box” kids make lifelong friends in school. What appears to be more important is learning how to be a good friend. And in this area the skills of listening, participating and contributing go a long way (1).
It’s vital we engage in dialogue with our children about what constitutes bullying so they can recognize it when it does occur, but also give them the tools to deal with the hurt when they are simply being left out for one reason or another (3).
All the assertiveness, self-esteem and self-reflection in the world could still not alter the fact that your child may experience social exclusion from time-to-time. And it will hurt, so we need to help them build resilience into their inner power pack too, with these useful pointers: (3)
Accept and Move On. They will find this easier if they have a strong core of self-acceptance in place (ie, ‘there is nothing wrong with me’ and ‘I value myself’).
Help our kids by providing low-level, ongoing encouragement that gives them the tools, and helps prepare their foundations of inner strength so they can cope whenever it strikes (3).
Sometimes, things like being left out happen not because of anyone intending to be mean, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hurt feelings along the way. Help your child understand that they aren’t to blame for other people’s behavior (1).
I figured this was a great time to remind her that what other people think of is often none of our business, and that though we will continue to treat others with kindness no matter what, continued respect is earned, not given freely.
Best thing you can do is remind your child that friends like that are fleeting, they aren’t worth your time and they are lucky they see those types for what they are before they had the misfortune of being friends with them.
Unfortunately, kids can be insensitive about welcoming new kids in. So, work with your child on what he or she can do to have the best experience making new friends.
Role playing is a great way to practice approaching new friends on the playground or asking to sit with kids at lunch. Have a few scripts worked out with a few “get-to-know-you” questions and that will make it easier for everyone.
Ideas that can work well include: “What did you do this weekend?” or “What book are you reading?” or “What did you think of X (something the teacher said, or something that happened in class that day)?” (1)
If they still experience rejection, then coaching that walking away with their head held high may be required. But crucially, they can do so in the knowledge that they have been true to themselves, and behaved in a positive and open way – the issue is no longer theirs to hold. Acceptance and self-love create an inner peace and strength that is hard to beat. (3).
- Bring your concerns to a teacher, recess monitors, bus drivers, or administrators so you gain a deeper perspective on what’s happening in the child’s life outside of your home.
- If there’s evidence of some kind of bullying behavior, talk through the channels available to you at school
- and when you can, reach out to the parent of the child or teen whose behavior is concerning.
- The sooner the situation is addressed, the higher the likelihood that the behavior will go away, or at least be lessened.
- Be sure to use a calm tone when addressing the issues as problem solving calls for a collaboration (1).
If your kid continues to be ostracized or bullied even after implementing these recommendations, consider counseling to help them express their feelings and learn healthy coping skills. Have them evaluated by a doctor if you notice signs of depression (1).
Sources:
(1) https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/help-a-kid-who-is-being-ostracized-feeling-left-out/
(2) https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/how-to-talk-with-parents-about-cliques-and-exclusion/
(3) https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/social-exclusion.html
(4) https://psychcentral.com/health/why-feeling-left-stings-and-healthy-ways-to-cope#why-it-bothers-you
(6) https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
(7) https://gsdrc.org/topic-guides/social-exclusion/causes/exclusion-based-on-social-status-or-identity/
(8) https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/bullying-kids-teens
(9) https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1368214/full
(10) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22889163/
(11) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740924000148
(12) https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1184924.pdf
(13) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6085085/
(14) (https://conversationstoremember.org/loneliness-and-isolation/#:~:text=Loneliness%2C%20on%20the%20other%20hand,of%20a%20hostile%20social%20environment.)
(15) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022519321003581
(16) https://elifesciences.org/articles/78246
(17) https://educationdata.org/public-education-spending-statistics
(19) https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=898
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