People often respond to rejection by seeking inclusion elsewhere. “If your sense of belonging and self-esteem have been thwarted, you’ll try to reconnect,” says Williams.
Excluded people actually become more sensitive to potential signs of connection, and they tailor their behavior accordingly.
“They will pay more attention to social cues, be more likable, more likely to conform to other people and more likely to comply with other people’s requests,” he says (6).
Children who are shy, withdrawn, or anxious are often the victims of interpersonal rejection because their peers perceive these temperamental differences as social deficits that mark these children as non-threatening and unlikely to retaliate (Olweus, 1993, 2001).
Research demonstrates that children who are socially withdrawn and who do experience peer rejection and exclusion are likely to become more socially withdrawn over time
(Oh et al., 2008).
Thus, exclusionary behavior can reinforce shy and withdrawn personality traits that are already present (13).
Additionally, these children may struggle with social interactions and peer group processes, leading to rejection and exclusion
(Rubin et al., 2006).
But, in other cases and more commonly, kids don’t have the social skills to make friends. They simply don’t know where or how to get started.
This is especially true for kids with social anxiety, ADHD or other social barriers that prevent them from feeling safe or comfortable knowing how to play easily with others. The bridge from saying “hi” to meeting up and walking to Starbucks together is a chasm too far.
Some kids retreat because they just don’t know how and that is embarrassing and upsetting. Kids who have these feelings often take them out on the ones closest to them simply because it’s safe to release their painful feelings in your direction. (1).
Social isolation or loneliness may be higher among certain groups, including gay, lesbian, or bisexual youth, particularly during the time when they are first acknowledging their sexuality to themselves and others (Wright & Perry, 2006) (12).
"Due to a mild intellectual disability and lack of understanding social cues, he is often rejected."
Social isolation or loneliness may be higher among certain groups, including homeless youth (Perron, Cleverley, & Kidd, 2014).
In addition, social isolation can exacerbate existing problems for highly vulnerable youth. For instance, among substance-dependent juvenile offenders, social isolation doubles the risk of relapse into alcohol or other drug use and subsequent incarceration (Johnson, Pagano, Lee, & Post, 2015) (12).
The ways many people will naturally respond to exclusion, including avoidance, absenteeism, and hostility, will only make matters worse (5).
All of a sudden she is the bad person because in anger she retaliated. She was treated very badly by them and now they're telling her they're having play-dates and sleepovers and she isn’t invited. She cries and says she doesn’t have friends.
Yet others may respond to rejection with anger and lashing out. Social exclusion can contribute to aggression and poor impulse control, as DeWall explains in a recent review (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011). If someone’s primary concern is to reassert a sense of control, he or she may become aggressive as a way to force others to pay attention. Sadly, that can create a downward spiral. When people act aggressively, they’re even less likely to gain social acceptance (6).
As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they’ve found surprising evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury.
Rejection also has serious implications for an individual’s psychological state and for society in general. Social rejection can influence emotion, cognition and even physical health.
Ostracized people sometimes become aggressive and can turn to violence. In 2003 Leary and colleagues analyzed 15 cases of school shooters, and found all but two suffered from social rejection (Aggressive Behavior, 2003) (6).
Sources:
(1) https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/help-a-kid-who-is-being-ostracized-feeling-left-out/
(2) https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/how-to-talk-with-parents-about-cliques-and-exclusion/
(3) https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/social-exclusion.html
(4) https://psychcentral.com/health/why-feeling-left-stings-and-healthy-ways-to-cope#why-it-bothers-you
(6) https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
(7) https://gsdrc.org/topic-guides/social-exclusion/causes/exclusion-based-on-social-status-or-identity/
(8) https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/bullying-kids-teens
(9) https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1368214/full
(10) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22889163/
(11) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740924000148
(12) https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1184924.pdf
(13) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6085085/
(14) (https://conversationstoremember.org/loneliness-and-isolation/#:~:text=Loneliness%2C%20on%20the%20other%20hand,of%20a%20hostile%20social%20environment.)
(15) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022519321003581
(16) https://elifesciences.org/articles/78246
(17) https://educationdata.org/public-education-spending-statistics
(19) https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=898
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