Am I Allowed To Cry?
“This playlist takes you through the songs that I’ve written when I was in the bargaining stage… times when, you know, you’re trying to make deals with yourself or someone that you care about. You’re trying to make things better, you’re often times feeling really desperate because often times we have a sort of gut intuition that tells us things are not going to go the way we hope which makes us desperate which makes us bargain more.”
- The Great War, This Is Me Trying, Peace, The Archer, Cornelia Street, Death By A Thousand Cuts, Soon You’ll Get Better, Afterglow, I Wish You Would, Say Don’t Go, Come Back… Be Here, Better Man, The Story Of Us, Haunted, Come In With The Rain, The Other Side Of The Door, If This Was A Movie, Renegade
Don't Blame Me
I very much think of this song in the same way as Haunted. Dealing with the religious trauma of being queer. And she put that song in bargaining (with God, maybe bargaining with herself also) so I think it belongs here.
Taylor compares her queer love to drug use, negative yet addictive. Churches often teach that homosexuality is sinful so it tracks that Taylor feels the need to justify her sexuality to God.
Lord, save me, my drug is my baby
I've been breakin' hearts a long time, and Toyin' with them older guys Just playthings for me to use
She describes actually feeling attraction and having her first orgasm (with a woman):
Something happened for the first time, in The darkest little paradise/Shakin, pacin', I just need you
For you, I would cross the lineI would waste my time
These next lines show that Taylor knows same-sex attraction is stigmatized and even seen as mentally ill (in the DSM and institutionalized in the past):
I would lose my mind/They say, "She's gone too far this time"/Don't blame me, love made me crazy
Also she's begging this person (Karlie) to stay with her:
I'm insane, but I'm your baby (your baby)Echoes (echoes) of your name inside my mindHalo, [Victoria's Secret Angel] hiding my obsessionI once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy
And baby, for you, I (I) would (would) fall from grace
Taylor accepts the sinful identity
Just (just) to (to) touch your face
But she knows Karlie isn't going to stay, she's going to eventually marry Josh Kushner.
If (if) you (you) walk away/I'd beg you on my knees to stay
Getaway Car
This is SUCH an important, yet confusing, song in the Taylor Swift Universe. The Timelines. Look at the timelines and the player. This is the song that discounts a lot of them (Calvin, Tom, and Joe) all in one fell swoop. See some background info on this song:
https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2023/02/18/ts-snippets-getaway-car-who-are-the-people-in-the-song/
https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2022/01/23/reputation-re-listen-3rd-lens/
It's easier to see the bargaining if you parse the lyrics.
No, nothin' good starts in a getaway car
...worst of crimes
I struck a match and blew your mind
...you didn't see it
...the lies were white
In shades of gray...
I wanted to leave him, I needed a reason
Taylor is saying that a nuanced situation was unfolding in a ratcheted up moment.
Taylor had a revelation in this emergency exit that was unexpected by the other person (Karlie), and it was the worst of crimes (both this epiphany and the consequence of this exit).
Taylor knows this crime, this excuse to leave him, is ill fated.
"X" marks the spot where we fell apartHe poisoned the well, I was lyin' to myselfI knew it from the first Old Fashioned, we were cursedWe never had a shotgun shot in the dark (oh!)
Two things are going on here. Karlie and Taylor are running away from him (Calvin, Tom, Josh, all beards, management, media, fame, expectations, choose one or all) together like Bonnie and Clyde. Sure, the "he" poisoned the well, but it was Taylor's epiphany during this exit that caused Kaylor to fall apart. She was lying to herself that Kaylor could work out-they never had a shot.
...we'd never get far
There were sirens in the beat of your heartShould've known I'd be the first to leaveThink about the place where you first met meIn a getaway car, oh-oh-ohNo, they never get far, oh-oh-ahNo, nothin' good starts in a getaway car
When Taylor tells Karlie her epiphany, it is met with anxiety, hence the sirens in the beat of her heart-not the response Taylor was hoping for. But Taylor should have known because of the circumstances of the relationship. It was never stable. It never would be, and she secretly always knew that, even though she desperately hoped that it wasn't true. But what is this epiphany Taylor keeps alluding to?
It was the great escape, the prison break/The light of freedom on my face
Taylor disclosed that she actually wants to be rid of all of these men they're running from that night (Josh, Joe, Tom, Calvin, beards). She indicated in the getaway car she's not just excited for a spontaneous illicit tryst with Karlie, she actually loves Karlie and wants to level up.
And I screamed for whatever it's worth "I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?
I wonder if Taylor had previously felt like her dalliances with women were just about sex. She may not have taken them as seriously, and still thought she would end up with a guy (compulsory heterosexuality).
But with three of us, honey, it's a sideshow/And a circus ain't a love story...
Taylor isn't cool with Karlie's commitment to Josh like she thought she had been. She realizes she is serious about wanting a relationship, not just having funsy sex.
Until I switched to the other side, to the other side
Taylor wants Karlie all to herself. Taylor realizes she's not just playing or bicurious, she's a lesbian, and she's in love for real with Karlie.
It's no surprise I turned you in (oh-oh)'Cause us traitors never win
'Turning you in' is being guilty by association. A serious relationship with Taylor is a problem for Karlie, because she was always committed to Josh and always planned on ending up with him. 'Traitors' is cheaters and/or same-sex and it wouldn't be good for the image Karlie (or Josh) was trying to cultivate. She never planned on coming out to the public, but being seen (in a serious and concrete way) with the biggest popstar on the planet would out her. It was one thing to be friends with benefits or have sex, but Karlie never signed up to be a lesbian--let alone with one of the most famous people on Earth. Karlie reacts with angst, and Taylor breaks it off.
I was ridin' in a getaway carI was cryin' in a getaway carI was dyin' in a getaway carSaid goodbye in a getaway car
King of my Heart
I'm perfectly fine, I live on my ownI made up my mind, I'm better off bein' alone
Taylor's trying to convince herself the above is true.
And the model, Karlie will be girlfriends with Taylor and have sex with her.
Now you try on callin' me, baby, like tryin' on clothes
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beatAnd we rule the kingdom inside my room
'Cause all the boys and their expensive carsWith their Range Rovers and their JaguarsNever took me quite where you do
Taylor again expresses that men don't do it for her. But Karlie is different.
And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting forKing of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoaAnd all at once, you're all I want, I'll never let you go
Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keepChange my priorities
The above is the major bargaining portion of the song. Taylor is enamored. But there's a sense of desperation and urgency in the words. Taylor knows it won't last.
Is this the end of all the endings?
Indicates an off an on scenario.
My broken bones are mendingWith all these nights we're spendingUp on the roof with a school girl crush/Drinking beer out of plastic cupsSay you fancy me, not fancy stuff
She asks Karlie to tell her that SHE is enough. Not the billionaire Josh, million dollar couches, or status...
Baby, all at once, this is enough
Call It What You Want
On the surface it's an anger song. And she's calling out her haters in it.
But the "baby" in it is the real subject of the song. And the 'call it what you want' refrain is a plea. Taylor is saying all the things she likes about her baby and their relationship, but begging that person to be into it also.
Holdin' my breath, slowly I said"You don't need to save meBut would you run away with me?"Yes (would you run away?)
And yeah, I'm definitely a Karly would you want to, call it what you want to truther. It's what I hear. I can't hear anything else!
New Years Day
Believe me, I want it to be a love song (for Taylor, it IS one for me) but the following line shows she knows it's already over:
Don't read the last page
Because after the last page the story is over and you close the book. This song is another plea.
But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared, and you're turning away
I can tell that it's gonna be a long roadI'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babeOr if you strike out and you're crawling home
Don't read the last pageBut I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes
It's the end of a year, an entry in a yearbook, or a breakup sentiment:
Hold on to the memories
Please don't ever become a stranger
the thesis of the song:
Hold on to the memoriesThey will hold on to you
And I will hold on to you
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